Daniel (bellydancindan) wrote,

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fuck u ben franklin.

God damn daylight savings, I wo uld have tried to go to bed earlier if i had remembered. I have nothing to get up for tomorrow...except dang ol kazam. Man. I am getting too old for this shit already. I am really sick of being OCD. It has gotten so much worse recently (I changed my clothes about four times yesterday, and it was never by "choice"). Everyone (mostly everyone) only sees or hears about the "funny" parts of it like "haha you have a little thing you have to say/visualize to put your parking brake on" or "haha you have to wash your feet before you can go to sleep" (which btw, contrary to what I said recently has gotten much worse, I have to use soap now :-() Not that I'm mad at anyone or anything for laughing (figuratively I suppose) it's just it's not funny, it's debilitating. Like, I used to take surverys or read stuff about it and one of the questions was "How many hours of your day does OCD take up?" I could never really rationalize more then 1 back then (and I'm perpetually scared of lying to myself or others to get attention [that should be a definition of LJ btw]) but now I can see that it must be up in the area of 4 or 5. Back then it must have been 2-3. I just never realized how much of my thoughts are consumed by this. Every thing I do, say, feel is constantly being put through these huge elaborate screening processes. I feel so helpless. There is nothing that can actually make me happy for more then a short time before it's ravaged by neruoses and questions and fears and problems and little visualizations and tricks I have to make up. I had to put a towel down on the chair I sat on this evening to eat dinner because I touched it before showering after work. I must have added like 10-15 hours at work per pay period all due to OCD stuff. it used to be taht I could go "okay, whip yourself into shape!" and i could get myself down to decent times, but now it's more of a "Oh my gosh, I can't belive you got through this today" let alone trying to get better. I'm just glad it's almost over, It's brekaing me down. WHen a day should take...maybe 3 hours, and I stretch it into 6 no problem. It's exhausting, and it makes me feel so bad about myself. As you may imagine I have pretty much 0 self esteem at this point. When I'm happy I feel bad that I'm not depressed and I have to convince myself that I'm sad, and when I'm depressed I'm sure I'm just faking it to get attention. I've spent the last several days convincing myself I understand how resonance works (chemistry...) because I can't get my tatoo unless I understand it perfectly. THis consists of me staying up at nite saying certain phrases or thining certain visualizations (all in order!) over and over again until the gnawing feeling in my stomach will go away (the upshot is I feel I understand resonance better and cleared up a few misconceptions I had). I can't listen to any band and feel pleased with it for long, soon I am sure that I hate them too much, or I like them too much. I have become obsessed with washing my hands and germs recently. I have to wash my hands twice alot at home, I can't touch my tennis shoes without having a panic attack (hold hands out and wash them right away, if you touch your clothes, you have to change them) I have to use lisa and mom constantly: Lisa has her little "duties" that she has to perform every night (these are, dead serious, check on chinchillas, make sure the cat is in [even if i can see the cat right in front of me I will ask her] and make sure the liquid soap in the laundry room is sitting upright and the lid is crew on tight [powder soap never bothered me], and that the light in the laundry room is off) My mom gets to check on everything in the living room (ovens, heaters, chinchillas [again or if lisa didn't do it] the all too deadly kitchen, and I assume she looks for any bowls or cups full of "dangerous" things that are in the living room) And for any OCD question (did you check "x"?) the answer alwasy has to be "yes." Not 'yeah' or 'yup!" it has to be "yes." Sometime I can let my mom get away with it, but not lisa. I've gotten alot better with my alarm clock though. And with soap in the bathroom, so I guess I'm not all bad (my bathroom used to be alot worse, I had to make sure the facuet on the tub and sink was off, that there were no bugs trapped in the tub, that there were no 'chemicals' on the floor or sink, that the soap wasn't going to tip over, and that the lid on the toilet was shut) and btw, 'check' doesn't mean what it means for regular people. it's not like looking at something and going "that's done" I have to stare at it and convince myself it's relaly okay, explaining to myself (in certain words) why and how it is okay. You can imagine how this helps my spiritual life. God damn this daylight savings time. And you should see me at work, oh god, it is amazing. I just lose my fucking mind. It;s horrible. It's the real reason why I can't handle working there anymore (sadly I can handle the mass death at this point, not the mind-numbing stress). Worse? All these precautions actually don't make anything safer. I took the dogz on a walk and just left kupo put in the house left to his own devices. I could have left the door open while I was gone. But I assure you tonite I will spend five minutes looking at his cage making sure his stupid doors are shut. Maybe not that long, Home isn't as scary compared to work. Okay. That helped to talk about. Sorry, but when you keep all that stuff inside it makes you real upset. I just needed to talk about it I guess. I'm not trying to be Ll "oh wow he has problems lets all feel bad for him" I just needed to talk about it.
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